Avast! Pirates: On Stranger Tides Trailer.

Yes Depp is back. But there’s no Bloom or Knightly this time, instead they’ve been replaced with Ian McShane and Penelope Cruz. Excellent trade if you ask us. Usual fair on show here, ships, pirates, swordplay, witty one liners, zombie pirates, mermaids and a rather roached looking Keith Richards. Apparently Jack Sparrow finds himself on yet another unexpected adventure this time in search of the fountain of youth.

Pfft! Hollywood eh? They don’t have a clue what real pirates are like. We’ve been sailing the high seas all our lives and we don’t have a bandanna or a set of hair beads among us. *(adjusts Spongebob Squarepants rubber ring around waist)*

Depp had misinterpreted Jerry Bruckheimer's memo of 'pushing the boat out'.

 

Avast! Official Super 8 Trailer.

Here it is, *(drops party bag of Doritos and pulls up underwear)* the full length official trailer for J.J. Abrams and Steven Spielberg’s Super 8, a film that’s rapidly shaping up to be this summer’s main blockbuster.

The movie tells the story of a group of kids from a sleepy American town in Ohio, who witness a train crash which has bizarre after effects on their home town, as dogs go missing, shop workers are dragged through windows and women walk about in ridiculously tight jeans.

From the look of the film it’s going heavy with 70s styled Spielbergesque nostalgia, (Close Encounters Of The Third Kind, E.T, Jaws), which, for us at least, makes a welcome return to the big screen. We really do miss those atmospheric movies. You know, the one’s with a plot and shit!

A gratuitous shot of Marvin trying to tune his radio.

Begad! The King’s Piece Trailer.

Let’s get something straight we haven’t seen the multi-Oscar winning period flick The King’s Speech, mainly because the mere idea of watching someone struggle with a speech impediment for two hours is not our idea of entertainment. But a film about someone struggling with penile dysfunction surrounded by busty wenches? Consider our ticket bought.

The above trailer, which is completely safe, is for porn parody The King’s Piece, (see what they did there?), which tells the story of King, a male porn star who is forced to overcome his inability to pitch a tent on demand by meeting with an unorthodox pee pee specialist, played by the rather gorgeous Dani O’Neal.  Late night televised sex line Babestation is behind the parody and some confusion exists over whether this is just simply a fun fake trailer to boost their profile or an actual feature, (yes, we are beside ourselves with feverish anticipation too). Oh, we forgot to mention that it also stars the simply elegant sounding Michelle Moist.

One potato, two potato, three potato, four!

 

Avast! Attack The Block Trailer.

You may remember a while back we posted up this, which we believed to be a viral promo for an up and coming British film called Attack The Block. Still no confirmation on the origin of that video but the full length official trailer for the movie was released today and it doesn’t look too shabby.

The main plot is very simple; aliens crash land on a South London inner city housing scheme and the local hoodies and chavs take up arms against the invaders to defend their tower block and local community. Directed by Joe Cornish, he of Adam & Joe fame, the film stars a mix of professional child actors and unknown kids Joe found off the streets, it also features Nick Frost and Jodie Whittaker. The plot is being described by some film websites as Sean Of The Dead with aliens, (mainly down to the fact that the same production team is involved), but being a fan of Joe Cornish and his work throughout the years we’re guessing it’ll be a whole lot more than that. Attack The Block is released in the UK on May 13th.

Avast! Trailer For blacktino.

Here’s the official trailer for what could be a solid contender for sleeper hit of the year. Indie movie blacktino, (save your grammar rage it’s meant to be lower case), is directed by Texan film maker Aaron Burns, who previously worked as a 2D artist on the Tarantino/Rodriguez collaboration Grindhouse, with a cast including Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez and Jeff Fahey. The film’s official synopsis rattles along as follows:

“A dark teen comedy about an overweight half-black, half-hispanic nerd named Stefan Daily. He was raised by his black grandmother in a medium sized suburb of Austin, TX. Struggling to find his place in a mostly white high school, Stefan finds sanctuary among the eclectic mix of social outcasts in the school’s Theatre Department.”

Like a cross between Napoleon Dynamite and Rushmore.


blacktino SXSW Trailer from Aaron Burns on Vimeo.

Avast! Trailer For Bunraku.

Here’s the trailer for a film called Bunraku which appears to be the ugly bastard child of Kill Bill and Sin City. Starring Josh Hartnett, Ron Pearlman, Demi Moore, Kevin McKidd and Woody Harrelson this movie looks like it was shot in someones garage with a budget taken from a jumble sale. We’ve actually seen far better and more interesting fan films over the past few months than this papier-mâché horseshit.

But what about the plot for the film? A film doesn’t have to look good to be good: ‘In a world with no guns, a mysterious drifter, a bartender and a young samurai plot revenge against a ruthless leader and his army of thugs, headed by nine diverse and deadly assassins.’

Oh dear.

In his heart Josh knew he had just lost the dance off.

Avast! X-Men: First Class Trailer.

Here is the first trailer for Matthew Vaughan’s, (Kick-Ass, Layer Cake, Stardust), highly anticipated take on the X-Men Marvel comics superhero franchise. The film is set in the 60s and deals with, among many other issues, the heroes role in the Cuban missile crisis and the friendship which existed between Charles Xavier, (Prof X), and Erik Lensherr, (Magneto), before things turned sour.

Evel Knievel's attempt to jump over a Blackbird plane in a submarine was just a stunt too far.

Intense Polis Animation…Polish Animation.

Our intense *Polis animation.

Please ignore the picture above, we misread the information before editing this article which is in fact about an awesome trailer for a Polish animated film full of intensity and fighter planes.

Entitled Paths Of Hate this short film tells the story of two non-specific fighter pilots battling it out through cloud covered skies and over various terrain. As you can see from the trailer below the animation is spectacular and was two years in the making by top Polish studio Platage Image. No word on a release date yet. (via Optimum Wound)

NB. Polis is a Scottish term used to describe men and women of the police force, as is ‘fascist bully boys’. *covers mouth with hand and sniggers like a little school boy*

933 PATHS OF HATE long trailer from Platige Image on Vimeo.

Every Super Bowl Movie Trailer.

In case you didn’t already know our American cousins over the pond staged a subtle low key affair last night, modestly billed as ‘The Greatest Show On Earth‘. Still trying to convince the rest of the world that American Football is the best sport in the history of sport this year’s Super Bowl threw up yet another batch of expensive movie trailers for films coming our way this summer.

There were talking birds, talking lizards, pirates, dinosaurs, gigantic robots, alien monsters, vampires, super heroes, Nazis, Romans, cowboys, an Adam sandler nut shot, (let’s face it kids nothing is funnier than a nut shot, right?), Vin Diesel and Nicolas Cage’s angry hair. Enjoy.

JJ Abrahms & Steven Speilberg’s Super 8

Actually this is the only film out of the bunch below which we are actually looking forward to. Not much is known about the plot to Super 8 but  the La Times managed to sit down with Abrams recently and he had this to say about his latest project:

The Paramount Pictures release is set in Ohio in 1979 and introduces a troupe of six youngsters who are using a Super 8 camera to make their own zombie movie. One fateful night, their project takes them to a lonely stretch of rural railroad tracks and, as the camera rolls, calamity strikes — a truck collides with an oncoming locomotive and a hellacious derailment fills the night with screaming metal and raining fire. Then something emerges from the wreckage, something decidedly inhuman.’

The Steven Speilberg produced TV series Terra Nova

Terra Nova looks like someone crammed The Swiss Family Robinson, Jurassic Park and Avatar into a blender and served it up with a lower budget.

Captain America

This guy loves his country so much he wears a jump suit fashioned out of the star spangled banner.

Transformers 3: Dark Side Of The Moon.

Yet another hyperactive serving of large explosions, massive robots, enormous special effects and some tart pretending she’s Megan Fox.

Battle Los Angeles.

Substitute large robots for aliens and you have pretty much the same film as Transformers 3. Even the soundtrack to each of the trailers is almost exactly the same.

Thor.

Yet another superhero origin story, this time it’s the blonde viking Norse god Thor with his mighty hammer…and Natalie Portman.


Fast Five
The boys are back in town. Diesel and Walker continue their homoerotic love affair on screen in between driving cars and being chased by The Rock.


Priest
Think Blade except more white, religiousy and in the future.


Just Go With It
Adam Sandler and Jennifer Anniston? Just get to fuck!


RIO
This time they’ve made birds talk and act like humans. Isn’t technology wonderful?
Pirates Of The Carribean: On Stranger Tides


Depp returns as Sparrow, some cast members have remained others have not, new ones appear to have filled in the gaps.


Cowboys & Aliens
This time aliens pop up in the Wild West. Hollywood sure is one creative place.


Drive Angry In 3D
Sorry, but we don’t like butter on our popcorn. But then again it’s in 3DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


Rango
The only film along with Super 8 which we would actively seek out to watch. A talking lizard loosely based on Hunter S Thompson? We’re in.

Trailer For The Bridesmaids.

First of all let us just collectively push back our deck chairs for a moment to stand and applaud the sheer originality of the title of this film. Not content at confusing us enough as to what exactly this movie could be about Hollywood have gone and served up a trailer which not only reeks of The Hangover but also tastes somewhat Bachelor Partyesque. But wait there’s a twist. The entire cast, instead of men, are women.

*Deckchairs pushed back quicker than before. Crew rise to give raptious standing ovation*

Produced by Judd Apatow, he who has been clinging for dear life to his Superbad and Knocked Up fame, Bridesmaids tells the story of a collection of wacky, insecure, overweight, under loved, borderline alcoholic female characters, (of which there are no black women), who all embark upon a riotous hen weekend. Three quick tips  for any budding young comedy scriptwriters out there, when writing a road trip style movie, for any gender, always have at least one grotesque, overweight character who has no control over bodily functions or their inappropriate thoughts, always, (can’t stress this one enough), always have a hilarious scene where one of your characters accidentally ingests either a drug or food which has an adverse effect on them and never forget to pepper the entire movie with silent awkward pauses. Comedy gold!

Look it's Roy from The IT Crowd. Look at his wee face.