Crazy Taiwanese Animated News Report On Scottish Independence Row.

Over the last few days in the UK much has been said and written about the forthcoming independence referendum in Scotland…and most of it has been utter horseshit.

So keeping with that theme here’s NMA.TV’s, (the online Taiwanese alternative news source), obscure, surreal and downright mental take on the whole issue complete with a headbutting Susan Boyle, Rab C Nesbitt, Groundskeeper Willy and Scotty from Star Trek. If only all news could be reported in this way.


Star Wars Fan Receives Hilarious Letter Response From The Early Learning Centre.

Videogame developer Ross Mills recently nonchalantly strolled past the Early Learning Centre in Dundee and immediately felt a disturbance in the force.

In the shop’s window they had Anakin Skywalker lego toys for sale which discomforted Mr Mills as he thought that Ankakin, a character who notoriously embraced the dark side in the Star Wars movies, murdered ‘younglings‘ and betrayed his Jedi master, wasn’t an ideal positive role model for young children.

So, doing what any reasonable Star Wars aficionado would do, he penned a letter to The Early Learning Centre to voice his concerns.

The Original:

From: Ross Mills

To those responsible for choosing the toys they wish to sell at the Early Learning Centre, as well as in-store advertising.

I was recently walking past the Dundee Early Learning Centre, and was shocked and disgusted to see an advert for Star Wars toys, prominently featuring the characters Yoda and Anakin Skywalker as positive figures.

Personally, I could not be more shocked. I thought the Early Learning Centre was a place for positive reinforcement of positive actions for children, but yet, here it was, actively promoting one of the most evil characters in the Star Wars universe. Anakin Skywalker.

Now, I am aware that Anakin was not always evil, and was in-fact an innocent in Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace, however, I wish to press on you the severity of his actions starting upon joining the Jedi Order as a Padawan:

* Consistent and flagrantly ignoring the rules, orders and limits set on him by his Jedi Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
* Killing an entire tribe of sand-people on Tatooine
* Killing the unarmed Count Dooku
* Cutting the arm off a Jedi Knight, Mace Windu. (Need I remind you that the Jedi
Knights are the PROTECTORS of peace and justice throughout the Star Wars saga?)
* Pledging himself to the Dark Side of the force, an organisation based on the teachings of the Sith, involving Brutality, Fear, Anger, and Hatred, including severe humanistic racism when they came into power forming the Empire
* Acted as the right-hand of the Sith Emperor
* Choked his wife using the power of the Force, nearly killing her and undeniably an act which eventually led to her death.
* Attempted killing of Jedi Knight and Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

And, last of all, and the most important
* The massacre of an entire school of young Jedi Children.

Now, I ask you, how can you sell such toys, promoting such individuals, in your establishment?

Sincerely, Ross Mills

The Response:

Dear Mr Mills

As an avid Star Wars fan myself I can relate to your points below and see the perspective that Anakin Skywalker (in his teenage years onwards) is by no means a ‘positive’ role model, nor is he intended to be represented as such.

We sell a wide range of characters from the Star Wars universe, including stormtroopers, scout troopers, Commander Cody and so forth. With particular reference to the two former characters both are generally considered to be ‘bad’ and unlike Anakin have had no periods of being ‘good’ or ‘redemption’ and are provided to give the ‘good guys’ someone to triumph over. While ideally the Jedi Council would have no enemies and would sit in their chambers sipping Bothan rum, it’s not particularly interesting for a small child (unless of course they wish to populate their ‘tea parties’ with Star Wars characters in which case we fully endorse this!)

For a child to fully immerse themselves in the Star Wars products we sell I would hesitate a guess that said child is a fan of the Clone Wars cartoon series (the prequels and sequels being of an age most would agree is unsuitable for the age range we cater for). In this series Anakin is very much portrayed as a force of good, and our aim is to provide fans of the series with both heroes and villains so they can replay the epic battles of the show in the comfort of their own home.

It’s unlikely that children of that age have seen any of the Star Wars films, however if they have I beg to offer the following counterpoints to ‘the sins of Anakin’

* Anakin loved his mother a great deal and always treated her with respect 
* Rescued his master several times from assassins, pit monsters, droid troopers etc. 
* Rescued Amidalla from assassin snakes, pit monsters, the Trade Federation and even found time to romance her in the fields of Naboo 
* Built C3PO 
* Won the Podrace 
* Killed the evil emperor to save his son 
* I would also argue that if a child has seen all the films they’ll see Anakin as a hero who went wrong but ultimately paid the supreme sacrifice to atone for his sins.

There may be better role models out there for a child, but for the period our toys are aimed at (the Clone Wars), Anakin remains very much ‘hero material’ and is a popular and welcome addition to our range.

Kind regards, 
Paul ******** 
Client Support Manager 
The Early Learning Centre

(Via Touch Sensitive, Gamma Squad, Bleeding Cool)

Big Man Throws Ned Off Train.

The fact that this scrawny Justin Bieber lookalike actually caused so much inconvenience to passengers on the Scotrail service in Edinburgh is mind blowing. Just look at him with his metrosexual, Wind In The Willowsesque headgear. Of course in Scotland there’s the ‘five minute rule‘, which is after five minutes have passed and there still seems to be some unnecessary delay/aggravation/irritation to a situation which immediately effects you, then you’re perfectly within your rights to wade in and sort the problem out yourself.

As expertly demonstrated in the video above by the Big Man.

UPDATE: The transport police are now investigating this incident and Scotrail won’t confirm or deny that the Big Man may now face charges of assault.

Hurricane Bawbag Doesn’t Like Trampolines

High winds have been battering the UK today, but if you live in Scotland we’ve been experiencing a weather phenomenon now known as Hurricane Bawbag…don’t ask.

As is the case with many people living up here logic doesn’t seem to be their strong point which is perfectly demonstrated in the video above. If you own a galactic sized trampoline in a built up area and there are winds reaching up to 90mph it might be advisable to tie the f@cking thing down.

Katy Wilson Is Sorry.

We could take this opportunity to launch into a lengthy rant about just how evil aspirational TV programmes, like The X Factor and the soon to be broadcast The Voice, are and the false hope they give young people in this country by somehow convincing them that they all have a special unique talent and that it’s their god given right to take to the stage and become rich and famous.

But we won’t, instead we’ll keep schtum. We’re sorry, we’re oot. Peace, we’re away.

Scotland’s A Bit Wet Right Now.

For the past couple of days a truly unholy amount of rain has fallen in Scotland, (easy now, we’ll have no stereotyping here), and things came to a head last night with many regions experiencing heavy downpours and gale force winds. The result was that many low lying areas became flooded, roads were deemed dangerous, trains were cancelled and there have been reports of Glasgow’s subway stations closing due to flooding.

The images below have been borrowed from Facebook, we have no idea who originally took the snaps as everyone seems to be passing them around like Lindsay Lohan. This is what Greenock, in the west coast of Scotland looks right now. Silly land lubbers, when will they realise the difference between a boat and a car?

Glasgow ‘Occupy’ Protesters Are Costing City Council £45 A Day.

So, so much has been written in newspapers and Internet blogs recently about the ‘Occupy’ protesters around the globe and the problems and hassles they’re causing. If opinionated journalists aren’t wading in with a full character assassination on the way they look and smell then right-wing fuckwits who doodle graphic novelists are suggesting they be exported out to the front lines.

Of course the one constant here is the complete failure to understand the reason(s) the protesters are demonstrating, there’s been virtually no in-depth examination or reports from the mainstream media and here’s another fine example, this time from an STV news item claiming that the Glasgow branch of the ‘Occupy’ movement is costing the city’s council a whopping £45 a day.

In response to a request from councillors, Robert Booth, executive director of land and services, revealed that the set-up cost of the camp, including providing fencing, toilets, lighting and a water supply, ran to £1800. Weekly running costs are expected to amount to £160, bringing the total over three months to £4040 – an average of nearly £45 a day.

Shouldn’t really be any bother to the Labour run Glasgow city council, £45 a day is mere couch change when you consider that they’ve just forked out a ‘golden goodbye‘ to the chief executive of City Building Glasgow, Willie Docherty who’s set to fill his bank balance with a pawltry extra £615,000 and let’s not forget that Glasgow city council along with Scotland’s other 31 local authorities have in the past two years paid out £65m in severence pay.

Two years…£65m…that’s £32.5m a year…which is £2.7m a month…which is £675,000 a week…which comes to £96,000 a day! Ninety six thousand pounds a day over the last two years for golden handshakes and golden goodbyes to overpaid arseholes who have exploited the public purse for their own financial ends. (BTW even at it’s most average total Glasgow city council alone have forked out around £3,000 a day in the last two years).

Aye, but see they smelly, jobless, hippies camping oot in Kelvingrove Park they’re costing Glasgae council £45 a day, the bastards!

(via STV News)

Mark Millar Has Amazing Plans For Scotland.

Thank God, (insert other invisible deity here), for Mark Millar, a man whose ambitions and creativity knows no bounds.

The comic book writer from Coatbridge, who’s achievements include working for DC Comics, Marvel and penning Wanted and Kick-Ass graphic novels which were later turned into highly successful Hollywood blockbusters, is now working on a whole new project. He’s just launched his own company Millarworld Productions and plans to centre future projects, (both for the big and small screen), in and around Scotland.

The Scottish Sun is reporting that the 41 year-old has six Hollywood projects on the horizon the first of which is called American Jesus, a movie about Jodie Christianson, a 12 year-old boy  living in Illinois in the 80s who’s hit by a truck and miraculously survives without a scratch. As the story develops the young boy’s mother confesses to him that his birth was a miracle and realising that he may be the reincarnation of Christ the boy flees to Scotland in the hope that the evil forces now hunting for him don’t find him. No word yet on who will star in this production but considering the subject matter it certainly won’t be short of attention. Bring it on West Boro Baptist Church!

One of the more exciting prospects, for us at least, is Millar’s plans to start making interesting and engaging TV, which thankfully won’t involve pretentious panels of fuckwits mulling over the week’s news, or Z-list celebrites documenting their mundane travels in foreign countries. In the interview with The Sun he states:

 “I just want to make TV shows that I actually want to watch. I can’t stand all the low-end reality shows.

“I know a lot of the guys making those programmes and they hate them as much as I do. I just want to do real quality here and that can be high-end documentaries or brand new formats as much as quality dramas like The Sopranos or Mad Men.

American Jesus? Scottish God.

You can read the entire interview HERE.


Siri Doesn’t Understand Scottish Accents.

Technology is a wonderful thing, that is unless you happen to be Scottish, (which we are by the way, you got a problem wae that, eh? eh?), and an iPhone user.

Turns out Apple’s latest product is proving to be a right pain in the hoop for users in Scotland who are failing to reap the benefits of Siri, a personal assistant application exclusively used on the iPhone 4S, simply because it doesn’t understand Scottish accents.

As the video above demonstrates something is lost in translation between the user and the voice activated software, even when the user slows speech down and accentuates clearly. Granted James McDonald, the UI/UX designer from Scotland, who’s featured in the video does have a slightly thick accent but then so do Welsh, Irish and certain Northern English users too. We’ll just have to wait and find out how competent Siri is dealing with those dialects.

Looks like Scottish comedians Iain Connell and Robert Florence were way ahead of their time.