Thom Evans Knocked Up Kelly Brook.


If you were to injure yourself so badly that after surgical procedure medics would later tell you that you were: “…literally a millimetre from paralysis or death”, you would want to live your second chance at life to it’s fullest.

Well that’s exactly what ex-Scotland international, Glasgow Warriors winger and brick shit house Thom Evans has done. After suffering a horrendous neck injury last year during a Six Nations clash with Wales, which forced him to retire from the sport, he has grasped his second chance at life by the boobies and knocked up the rather lovely Kelly Brook.

Good work Thom Evans.

30 Arrests After Old Firm Goes Ballistic.

Police in Glasgow this morning confirmed that they had made 30 arrests following the insanity which took place last night between the city’s two football teams. We spend our days sailing on the high seas so a sport like football, (soccer), is of little interest to us, its more for those crazy land lubbers. But last night’s Scottish Cup tie between Glasgow Rangers and Glasgow Celtic developed into a grand festival of shouting and pushing. Apparently there had been a game of football at one point but we had blinked and subsequently missed it.

Having watched many an old firm game from the safety of our moorings over the years this sort of behaviour comes as no surprise. In February when the ‘gruesome twosome’ played each other police in the city made 229 arrests. Most, if not all of the trouble is fuelled by alcohol and bigotry and having a group of well paid grown men behaving like petulant children who have just been told by their parents that they have no more time to play in the ball pit, does not help the situation.

Having said that we would just love to know what Rangers assistant manager, (and manger to be), Ally McCoist said to Celtic manager Neil Lennon at full time to make him go all shouty and pushy.

"You've got some crumbs on your top lip Alistair."

The Internet Loves El Hadji Diouf.

The original tackle

As you can see above the good and creative people of the Internet have been having some fun with Glasgow Rangers new signing El Hadji Diouf. The player recently found himself the target of some hefty physical challenges during an SPL game against Hearts. He himself over the years has carved out a bit of a reputation for himself as  a total arsehole bit of a rascal.

The first GIF is the original tackle, what follows beneath is nothing short of genius. Chart a course for Something Awful for a whole load more.

Every Super Bowl Movie Trailer.

In case you didn’t already know our American cousins over the pond staged a subtle low key affair last night, modestly billed as ‘The Greatest Show On Earth‘. Still trying to convince the rest of the world that American Football is the best sport in the history of sport this year’s Super Bowl threw up yet another batch of expensive movie trailers for films coming our way this summer.

There were talking birds, talking lizards, pirates, dinosaurs, gigantic robots, alien monsters, vampires, super heroes, Nazis, Romans, cowboys, an Adam sandler nut shot, (let’s face it kids nothing is funnier than a nut shot, right?), Vin Diesel and Nicolas Cage’s angry hair. Enjoy.

JJ Abrahms & Steven Speilberg’s Super 8

Actually this is the only film out of the bunch below which we are actually looking forward to. Not much is known about the plot to Super 8 but  the La Times managed to sit down with Abrams recently and he had this to say about his latest project:

The Paramount Pictures release is set in Ohio in 1979 and introduces a troupe of six youngsters who are using a Super 8 camera to make their own zombie movie. One fateful night, their project takes them to a lonely stretch of rural railroad tracks and, as the camera rolls, calamity strikes — a truck collides with an oncoming locomotive and a hellacious derailment fills the night with screaming metal and raining fire. Then something emerges from the wreckage, something decidedly inhuman.’

The Steven Speilberg produced TV series Terra Nova

Terra Nova looks like someone crammed The Swiss Family Robinson, Jurassic Park and Avatar into a blender and served it up with a lower budget.

Captain America

This guy loves his country so much he wears a jump suit fashioned out of the star spangled banner.

Transformers 3: Dark Side Of The Moon.

Yet another hyperactive serving of large explosions, massive robots, enormous special effects and some tart pretending she’s Megan Fox.

Battle Los Angeles.

Substitute large robots for aliens and you have pretty much the same film as Transformers 3. Even the soundtrack to each of the trailers is almost exactly the same.


Yet another superhero origin story, this time it’s the blonde viking Norse god Thor with his mighty hammer…and Natalie Portman.

Fast Five
The boys are back in town. Diesel and Walker continue their homoerotic love affair on screen in between driving cars and being chased by The Rock.

Think Blade except more white, religiousy and in the future.

Just Go With It
Adam Sandler and Jennifer Anniston? Just get to fuck!

This time they’ve made birds talk and act like humans. Isn’t technology wonderful?
Pirates Of The Carribean: On Stranger Tides

Depp returns as Sparrow, some cast members have remained others have not, new ones appear to have filled in the gaps.

Cowboys & Aliens
This time aliens pop up in the Wild West. Hollywood sure is one creative place.

Drive Angry In 3D
Sorry, but we don’t like butter on our popcorn. But then again it’s in 3DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

The only film along with Super 8 which we would actively seek out to watch. A talking lizard loosely based on Hunter S Thompson? We’re in.

The Greatest Sports Pep Talk…Ever!

The good and rather committed people over at Screen Junkies have edited together a great little montage featuring some of the best and most famous inspirational locker room speeches in cinematic history. You can almost smell the deep heat and sweaty jock straps. Are you ready for this? I can’t hear you. Are you ready for this? Where’s the fire in the belly? Stoke that boiler and go out there and rip into that shower of shite! You can do it!

Which reminds us we’re off to watch Slap Shot again. Greatest sports film ever made.

Putting The Internet Boot Into Murray.

In case you missed it earlier today Britain’s number one tennis player Andy Murray failed to win the Australian Open against the excellent Novak Djokovic. Murray lost in straight sets after some displays of blistering tennis from the Serbian. As is typical of being a sportsman or woman from Britain the 23 year-old has now become a target today for some of the most outrageous comments and opinions from faceless, basement dwelling Internet users.

Before we give you some of the best examples we could find, let’s clear something up. We really couldn’t care less about tennis or Murray’s loss, mainly because we don’t watch tennis or have any interest in the sport. That being said the Scot tried his best against an on form Djokovic who proved too strong and too sharp for Murray to contain. That’s pretty much our summation of the match, we’re confident that Andy will win a title, time is on his side and he certainly has the skill to do so and good luck to him. But some people, as you will see below have reasons to despise the man, beyond the fact that so far he has failed to win a major title. The Daily Fail Mail have already labeled Murray as a ‘choker’, which strangely conjures up images of inappropriate sex practices, and many more media outlets are now jumping on the Murray hate wagon.

As Murray lost his match legions of armchair athletes threw their games console controllers and Ginster pies down, (other makes of pies are available), in a fit of disgust, long enough for them to take to their keyboards across the country, filling the Internet up like an overflowing dam full of vitriolic bile for the tennis player. Here’s some fine examples of said nasty chatter. Enjoy.

From the BBC sport website 606.

On his mother Judy Murray – “She has a face that only her son Andy could love, and Murray has a face that only Judy could love.”

On Murray’s relationship with his mother – “Murray is a mummy’s boy. Murray would have a mental breakdown if Judy wasn’t there. Judy takes care of her lost little boy. If she wasn’t there, Murray would probably struggle to find his way home and would probably take the wrong plane back from Australia.”

On his future – “I think Murray will get to at least one more slam final where the biggest mauling in tennis history awaits him.”

On comparing university work to playing in a tennis final – “I work very hard at university and don’t take anything for granted. When it comes to exam time, I don’t waste all the hard work by choking. I don’t know how anyone could live with themselves if they choked so much.”

From Twitter:

Blending Murray with current affairs – “Andy  is an honorary Egyptian…..they also can’t get anything over the Net”

On his hatred of the English: “Brilliant news. Horrible boring man who hates the English. Know your place!” (Murray’s girlfriend is English)

On his face: “Murray looks like a rat when he’s waiting to receive serve – we don’t want rodents winning any tennis tournaments, let alone majors.”

On his general demeanour: “What I detest most is those who blindly support a nasty, abusive, foul mouthed individual, based only on virtue of him being born within the same island as themselves.”

On his good fortune: “Cheer up Murray you ugly prick, things could be worse you could be f@cking ginger!”

From Various Newspaper website:

On the coverage of his match – “How one’s spirits soared upon hearing the news that Murray had been smashed in the Australian Open. It’s quite enough that he has the demeanour of a spoilt kid with his mouth-open-screaming countenance in every picture taken of him, but when my newspaper chooses to fill its pages with how well he will perform in the Open, that’s an insult too far.”

His hair and face are to blame: “The man doesn’t have the look or characteristics of a champion. Just look at his face, if you can bear it, and his hair is always a mess. No wonder he loses.”

His nationality was to blame: ” Scottish Murray is a national disgrace and should be stripped of his British citizenship. To give up so easily in a Grand Slam final is criminal. Can the rest of the UK be dismantled from Scotland?

On his smile: ” He disgusts me, the man is weak mentally and an absolute disgrace. He shames all other sportsmen and women from Britain with his petulant attitude. Plus he’s been criticised for never smiling but cracking one out today confirms that it would be better if he never smiled again. Ugly!”

Sometimes Britain just…isn’t so great.

Security Guard Tackles Drunk Fan…With Head.

As the headline describes this is exactly what should happen to every attention seeking inebriated moron who strips half naked and takes to a pitch to interrupt any sport. No tazers, no tear gas, no batons just a good old dose of unecesarry roughness. Talent scouts should be trying to find out the name of that college security gaurd, although something tells us it may be David Dunn.

Mark McGhee Is A Comedy Genius.

The McGhee Facepalm.

Troubled Aberdeen Football Club manager Mark McGhee faced the nation’s press earlier today to confirm that he would be staying on in the job and that his decision isn’t about the money, it’s more down to an issue of loyalty to the club that he…blah, blah, blah and other similar fartblossom mince. But he did unintentionally crack one of the funniest jokes this month.

He said: “It would have been an easy option for me to decide I’d had enough of this. I’ve got a contract and that’s worth money to me.
“I could have taken that and been gone and be sitting with my feet up in Brighton and maybe this weekend fly off to Vegas to my brother-in-law’s for a couple of weeks and wonder how Aberdeen were getting on back home.
“But that never entered my mind.”

We think it just did Mark.