Burnistoun Is Back.

Right now British TV is seriously lacking in anything even remotely funny but like Omar Sharif on that  camel in Lawrence Of Arabia, Scottish sketch show Burnistoun is slowly coming into view over the barren comedy desert horizon…as we stand in the unfunny sand…waiting for it’s arrival…so that it can…

*(Points at imaginary squirrel in the room. Makes hasty exit)*

Following on from their highly successful first series Burnistoun is written by Iain Connell and Robert Florence who also star as a range of characters who inhabit the fictional Scottish town. The second series is due to air on BBC 1 Monday 4th. Above is a small taste of what to expect.

Ripe For A Remake #1: Simon & Simon.

This here’s a new feature aboard our fine Internet faring vessel, where the crew cherry pick an old movie or TV series which they think would be perfect for a remake. This week we look at the 80s classic Simon & Simon.

Starring Gerald McRaney (Jericho, One Tree Hill, the A-Team remake) and Jameson Parker, (The Bell Jar, White Dog), as two brothers, the complete polar opposite of each other, who go into business together running a private investigation firm out of San Diego.

Rick, the older Simon brother, is a stetson wearing, Vietnam veteran who loves beer, bikini clad women and his powered up pick-up truck, whereas AJ went to college, invested his money, wears suits, is well read and drives a shiny sports car. At work  AJ does everything by the book whereas Rick prefers a more unconventional approach to solving cases. Their differences even went as far as their preferred weapon of choice with Rick obviously settling for the bigger hand cannon of the two, a .44 Magnum.

Apart from having a catchy, breezy theme tune the series also had two crossover episodes with Magnum P.I.

The constant arguing and conflicting banter between the two lead characters is what really made this series a success. This premise alone merits a movie remake probably with the likes of Sam Rockwell or Timothy Oliphant in the role of the redneck Rick and Bradley Cooper or even Ryan Reynolds as the dapper AJ. We can only hope.

Thom Evans Knocked Up Kelly Brook.

 

If you were to injure yourself so badly that after surgical procedure medics would later tell you that you were: “…literally a millimetre from paralysis or death”, you would want to live your second chance at life to it’s fullest.

Well that’s exactly what ex-Scotland international, Glasgow Warriors winger and brick shit house Thom Evans has done. After suffering a horrendous neck injury last year during a Six Nations clash with Wales, which forced him to retire from the sport, he has grasped his second chance at life by the boobies and knocked up the rather lovely Kelly Brook.

Good work Thom Evans.

Bear Grylls Makes a Sweater…From A Dead Baby Seal.

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Aw hell naw! Aw hell yes! The man who lied to the world about being dropped into unforgiving terrain miles from civilisation is back on Discovery with a new series of Man Vs Wild. The hyperactive survivalist is this time on an island in Scotland and as you can see from the video above his challenege is to swim to the nearby main land. In desperate need of a wetsuit for the crossing through the icy waters Mr Grylls stumbles upon a dead baby seal and in only a matter of minutes has excitedly stripped the animal of it’s skin and fashioned a rather lovely, if yet a tad tight, wife beater vest to keep himself warm. We’re quite sure the judges and Heidi Klum will pass him through to the next round, if only for creative flare. (via Warming Glow)

"Now that I have my seal vest I'm off to the local off license for six cans of Stella

Thundercats Reboot Looks…Shit!

Here’s what appears to be a sneak peek at the new Thundercats reboot although nerds around the Interweb are claiming it may be just test footage from a failed attempt to revive the series a few years ago. Just looks like your usual standard CGI crappy animation if you ask us. To be fair the original cartoon was about a talking lion in a leotard so what the f@ck were people expecting.

Avast! Justified Series 2 Trailer.

One of our favourtie TV shows of last year was Justified, starring the ever watchable Timothy Olyphant as a tough, slow speaking, southern US Marshall who serves up his own kind of justice to all sorts of unsavoury characters. It’s basically a modern telling of the old gunslinger western but with many surprising twists and turns along the way.

The good news for us is the second series begins next week in the US, (hopefully it won’t take too long to be shown over here), and judging by the trailer they’re keeping all of the elements which made the first series so enjoyable intact, including their use of pop culture references. Lucas will be proud.

Drunk Andy Murray Fan Gurns On The News.

Following Andy Murray’s defeat in the Australian Open BBC’s Reporting Scotland decided to send a journalist to the player’s home town Dunblane, to gauge local reaction. Most people were in the local pub, having been there for most of the day watching the match and that’s where roving reporter Catriona Renton decided to conduct her live link. Big mistake.

When David Brent Met Michael Scott.

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Blink and you may literally miss it but this is the short, yet rather *telehistoric scene from the American version of The Office, where David Brent, (Ricky Gervais), finally crosses paths with Michael Scott, (Steve Carell). Apparently Scott is to be written out of The Office altogether but not without a suitable bang as Will Ferrell has committed to a four episode arc in the final throws of the current and ultimate season. Apparently Ferrell is a huge fan of the American series and wanted to be included as a far more inappropriate and offensive character than Scott.

*There is so no such word as telehistoric so we’re making it official right now by claiming it as our own. In your word filled face dictionary.

When two morons collide.

Gordon Ramsay’s Face Has Finally Melted.

A face you could literally climb.

Earlier this month TV celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay was photographed leaving a Los Angeles surgery complete with medical cap. Of course the tabloid press were sent into a tizzy and it then emerged that the shouty arsehole 44 year-old may have gone through a hair plug operation costing $30,000. Now it seems there may have been a problem with the surgery as Ramsey’s face has become swollen around the eyes and forehead. Could this be related to the alleged hair transplant? Of course not as Gordon himself explained to the Daily Mail, that it’s nothing more than an infection brought on by petrol from gangsters and a horse. Petrol from gangsters and a horse? Yes petrol from gangsters and a horse.

Apparently Baron Munchausen Ramsey was forcibly tied up by Costa Rican gangsters, during the filming of his recent Channel Four documentary which exposed the cruel illegal trade in shark fins, and was doused in petrol which caused major problems for his scalp. Jason Bourne then went on to explain:

‘I was in Napa for Christmas literally two weeks after the shoot and went horseback riding with the kids and had a horrendous allergic reaction to the horse, combined with the problems I had with my scalp – so it was just a hair nightmare.’

This agent of danger leads a life most of us dull and boring folk can only dream of. We’re betting he owns a car he can drive underwater and goes to bed at night dressed in a white tuxedo.