Watch Last Night’s Epsiode Of Big, Fat, Gypsy Wedding Here.

"Ah I see you've come in the dress from Eddie Murphy's hit movie Coming To America."

Yes last night we went back on our promise of never watching reality TV but in our defence Channel Four’s Big, Fat, Gypsy Wedding was more of a traditional documentary. What is there to say about this series which probably hasn’t already been said? Travelling people, who refuse to pay tax or integrate with local communities, enforce stringent and sexist rules on their women who are ‘grabbed’  if they’re single and physically forced to become intimate with their male counterparts, regardless of their age. Last night’s episode dealt with a gypsy girl’s communion whose outfit was based on a dress from the Eddie Murphy film Coming To America, (can’t write that shit), and the wedding of 17 year-old Josie which looked like a Christina Aguilera music video. As a good friend of ours often laments this is true ‘car crash’ TV which must be watched with the use of a seat belt buckled into your chair. Don’t worry if you missed it because we’ve posted the entire episode below thanks to 4 On Demand.

Ricky Gervais Will Never Win A Golden Globe.

As Hollywood begins to pick up the pieces the true cost of Hurricane Gervais is starting to emerge, following his huge trail of devastation across Tinseltown at the weekend. Honestly, what the hell is going on over there? They hired a comedian who has built his entire career on personal jibes and acerbic wit and now their noses are out of joint because he landed a few punchlines which they deemed offensive. Let’s not kid ourselves it was the Scientology based joke which has annoyed the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, (HFPA), and they’ve went to great effort to distance themselves from that remark.

According to The Hollywood Reporter HFPA president Phillip Berk, (who was targeted by Ricky last year at the Golden Globes), said that he had no idea what Gervais was going to say:

“He definitely crossed the line and some of the things were totally unacceptable. But that’s Ricky. Any of the references to individuals is certainly not something the Hollywood Foreign Press condones.”

But it seems that the HFPA feel they were humiliated on Sunday night and according to celebrity website Popeater Ricky’s chances of ever winning a Golden Globe are now doomed and that he definitely won’t be invited back to resume hosting duties ever again. Mmmm we wonder if he’ll even give a shit?

Now that's what we call offensive.

BBC Ask Keanu: ‘How Sad Are You?

Let’s get this out of the way before we even start. We are unapologetic fans of the actor Keanu Reeves. Yes, he may at times appear wooden and somewhat out of place in movies but the man does have a certain charisma. Recently the actor has appeared on the internet as a somewhat ‘sad’ person, an individual burdened with great tragedy, largely due to a picture, (below), which emerged of him contemplating a sandwich. Of course the internet had some fun with the image and so the rumour of the actor’s unhappiness began to spread. Bearing all this in mind and knowing full well that one captured image of a person doesn’t accurately portray everything about them as a human being, you obviously wouldn’t ask the man in person if he was actually sad. That would be a little too personal a question to pose, nor would you then continue to ask Keanu how he feels about being portrayed as a sad character on the internet because that would just make your whole encounter with the actor uncomfortable and awkward. Unless of course you work for the BBC, in that case it’s fucking open season on Mr Reeves and you can make things as uncomfortable as you like by poking and proding his inner psyche like it were an Eastern European porn star.

N.B. The squirming begins at 3.15.

“Have you heard what they’re saying about you on the internet Keanu? They’re saying you’re sad. They’re saying you aren’t happy and that you look like a very tragic person? How do you feel about that Keanu? What’s it like to be a person who other people view as being sad? What’s that like? What does that feel like? Can you explain how that makes you feel? On a scale of one to ten Keanu how sad would you say you are? Really? Because people on the internet are saying you’re easily a ten. Must be uncomfortable for you talk about such a subject live on TV in front of millions of viewers? What’s that like? What does that feel like? Can you explain how that makes you feel? On a scale of one to ten Keanu how uncomfortable would you say you are right now on live TV in front of millions of viewers, talking about how sad other people see you? Keanu? Keanu?

In Soviet Union TV Appears On You.

Shazaamski! Right to the baby maker!

We have absolutely no idea what the f@ck is going on here but it appears to be a Jeremy Kyle/Jerry Springer style programme on Russian TV. Obviously it’s staged but that doesn’t detract from the madness and mayhem which subsequently follow. If only daytime telly was more like this in Blighty. Those crazy red Russkies.

8 Reasons Why Sarah Palin Didn’t Kill That Caribou.

As the world's smallest camera takes a shot inside Sarah Palin's rifle sights, we see her prey clearly - the great Alaskan CGI caribou.

Here’s footage, (see below), of the Antichrist ex-Alaskan governor and vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin shooting and killing a caribou on her very own ‘reality tv’ show called Sarah Palin’s Alaska. After watching this farce we’re betting our entire vessel that Palin didn’t kill that caribou and here is a list of eight simple reasons why:

1. Sarah Palin has no clue how to hold, let alone use, a rifle as clearly demonstrated in the opening seconds of this clip.

2. She squeezes off an initial shot which misses, yet somehow the caribou remains completely unfazed and continues to trot along the hillside, distracted only by thoughts of munching on delicious moss.

3. Frustrated at missing Sarah then sits upright on her knees to take a second rifle from her father, giving the remarkably calm, (and now clearly blind), caribou a clear view of her and her other two hunting companions, who are now collectively moving and shuffling around in the heath like children with ADHD .

4. She was about to fire a rifle by sitting on her knees after being told three times that  “it kicks”, before finally being told to ‘put the gun down’.

5. Amazingly the caribou stops and faces the trio and the camera crew face on.

6. The ‘miracle’ shot. We see the caribou through the rifle sights of Palin’s gun. Really? How did the crew get a camera shot at the exact moment the caribou comes into the bitch’s sights? (Answer below).

7. The Caribou isn’t real it’s a computer generated image, probably rendered in a TV studio during post production. (See pic above)

8. Sarah Palin is a f@cking compulsive liar.

What’s even more amazing to us here at HMS Friday isn’t the fact she quotes that infamous philosopher Ted Nugent, but that the multi-millionaire continues to preach about how ordinary Alaskans, like her, need to hunt as  its a necessity so they can eat. Yet somehow she doesn’t see the irony in charging in excess of $100,000 to appear at a public event

If you think the footage of an overpaid, over privileged white bitch shooting and killing defenceless animals is offensive then you’re going to just love reading all about her expanded Wolf Kill Program.

That Pot Noodle Advert

There’s a ton of  references throughout this animated advert for Pot Noodle and their new festive flavour Pot Noeldle, (roast turkey and stuffing), concerning British subculture and famous past Christmas advertising campaigns by other companies. We’re not about to start pointing them out to you, simply because it’s Friday and we’ve tied up for the day and are now off to the pub. But you will need to watch it a few times to catch them all.

If anyone cares here are the lyrics to the advert. Is this just a simple bit of harmless fun or are they having a go at the market that they inadvertently cater for?

“Guess who’s here bringing you festive cheer?

The Noodle Man Is driving his crap old van, turkey bits and trimmings too good to miss.

Better get the kettles on quick and now our kettle’s overflowing with joy “Pot Noeldle” they sing (Peel back the foil).

Even the shiny lid that’s supplied is good tree bling. Come and take your seat to eat and breathe in deep that mulled

wine sachet sauce. In every land around the world everybody knows It’s Pot Noeldle time of course!

Love from Pot Noodle”

*Ok, here’s one. Jeremy Kyle is on the TV in the background in the family’s house.

The Jeremy Kyle Show - still shit even in animated form.

Ugly Betty Actor Beheads Mother.

There must be something in the air at this time of year. Following on from Emillio ‘ol crazy eyes’ Deveza’s story comes news that an actor, who appeared in the hit TV series Ugly Betty and the movie Step-Up 3D,  killed his own mother by slicing off her head with a sword. Apparently neighbours heard screaming from their house before they called the police who took 45 minutes to force their way in and give Brea a double helping of a taser gun. The 31 year-old, who is a low level Freemason, was alleged to have been shouting passages from the bible before he severed his mother’s head with a three foot long Freemason’s ceremonial sword. One neighbour told police he heard Brea shouting: ‘Repent! Repent! Repent!’ (set sail for TMZ).

Acting roles in Ugly Betty and Step-Up 3D? Don’t really think it was your mother who needed to repent. Eh Michael?


Five Amazing TV Shows We Brits Don’t Know About.

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! That’s the collective sound of the crew of HMS Friday letting off some frustrated steam on deck, because once more our TV channels this winter are clogged up with property evaluations, failed attempts at losing weight, wanting to look ten years younger, please vote for me on this talent contest, listen to how I sing don’t I look great, look at how I’m dancing don’t I look great, there are spiders in my hair but don’t I still look great based programmes, which suck the very f@cking soul from our seafaring bodies. There exists an enormous lack of reasonable, decent, engaging programmes on British TV for people who would love to actually look forward to something on their box which didn’t feature a cast of no-mark, no-name, self appointed celebrities jostling for attention.

Just to accentuate our point and prove that we Brits are pretty hard done by in the TV entertainment stakes we’ve put together a list of five shining examples of quality programmes we are missing out on. Five fantastic shows that you’ve probably never heard of and know nothing about becasue they’ve either been hidden away from view or ignored completley.

1.Breaking Bad

Yes, we are fully aware seasons one and two were actually shown in Britain but they were broadcast on FX a channel not everyone in this country has and the second series was aired at stupid o’clock in the morning on Five US. Considering the series is now entering it’s fourth season with 33 episodes under it’s belt along with six Emmy awards it’s about time a mainstream channel picked it up and gave it a reasonable time slot.

Concept – Chemistry teacher finds out he has inoperable lung cancer, to provide extra cash for his family he starts to make and sell crystal meth, with help from an ex-student turned drug dealer. Both are sent sprawling over the line into a life of crime. One of the darkest and most engaging programmes in TV history.

2. Bored To Death

To our knowledge this has never been aired in the UK and is now about to enter into it’s third season.

Concept – Jonathan Ames, played by Jason Schwartzman, is a struggling novelist who has read a ton of cheap detective novels, so when his girlfriend leaves him he advertises his services on a website as an unlicensed private detective and starts taking on cases. Accompanying him is best friend and comic book artist Ray Hueston, played by Zach Galifianakis, who also suffers from various psychological issues and George Christopher, played by Ted Danson, Jonathan’s boss who also happens to be addicted to alcohol, cannabis and sex. Hilarity ensues.

3. Terriers

First season has finished in the States and so far there are no plans to air it over here in Britain.

Concept – Ex-cop and recovering alcoholic Hank Dolworth, played by Donal Logue, (Blade), sets up yet another unlicensed private detective agency with help from friend and former criminal Brit Pollack, played by Michael Raymond-James, (True Blood)  investigating cases in and around Ocean Beach, the beach front neighbourhood of San Diego. It’s from the creator of The Shield what more of a recommendation do you need?

4. Community

Now in it’s second season Community did air here in the UK on October 5th hidden away on Viva, yes there is actually a channel called Viva. No plans as of yet to show the second season.

Concept – A suspended lawyer, played by Joel McHale, has to attend community college after his degree is found to be invalid by the bar association. While attending college he meets a collection of misfit students at a Spainsh study group. The series plays heavily on movie parodies and references. Think Spaced with a touch of Glee. Plus Chevy Chase is in it, what more do you people want?

5. Party Down

Ah, the best to last. The crew here at HMS Friday have been lucky enough to watch the entire first season of this hilarious series…through purely legitimate methods of course, (ahem!). Unfortunately only two seasons were made and to date neither have been shown on British TV.

Concept – A group of somewhat unfortunate aspiring actors and writers in Hollywood fill their days earning a crust working for an event catering company. Dreaming of one day making it big they drift from one party to the next meeting and sometimes clashing with guests and clients along the way. Seek this series out if you can.

Wagner 24/1 To Win!

And so a star is born.

First of all we don’t watch The X Factor. We hate the programme with an unbridled passion which ignites an uncontrollable urge to endlessly rant about how much we hate the f@cking programme. That aside, something special is happening this year which should be of interest to those of you who share a similar view.

As you will no doubt be aware there’s a certain contestant on this year’s show, 54 year-old Wagner, (pronounced Vagner), Fiuza – Carrilho, who’s causing quite a stir. Simply because he has the vocal talents of a drunk uncle at a wedding and for some reason has made it through to the final seven. Cowell’s, Cole’s and Minogue’s searing disdain for the man, who looks like the bastard son of Whiplash and Peter Stringfellow, is obvious as they continue to rip into him giving the man no credit for having the balls to just take to the stage, who let’s face it is doing the best he can to win himself the £1M record contract. It takes a real man to  effortlessly rape not one but three classic Beatles songs and still call it a performance.

But on Sunday night judge Cheryl Cole’s facade almost slipped and she nearly revealed to the nation her true hidden alien reptilian form by referring to a news article where Wagner had described her as a ‘girl from a council estate who was just very lucky’. Confronting the Brazilian about this Cheryl then proceeded to twist what the man had actually said to the journalist and turned what should have been a judgement on Wagner’s performance into yet another ego boosting issue about the royal Cole. Isn’t the Queen Of Chavs forever banging on about not believing what you read in the rags? Isn’t that what she blubbered to old arseface during her ‘highly personal’ interview before crying a river on his highly informed news shoulder?

Things are turning a little sour for The X Factor and with a massive fan base and swelling support, which seems to be coming from a student based collective coupled with those that despise the programme, for Wagner to win this series outright we are, for the first time, rooting for a contestant in a reality TV programme. We are aware this breaks the vow we made many years ago but if Wagner goes on to win this could herald the beginning of the end for The X Factor and that’s something we could really get behind.

If you fancy a flutter on the 54 year-old Brazilian to win this series of the programme then here is a list of his current odds with a variety of top bookmakers online:

Betfair – 24/1

Ladbrokes – 20/1

32 Red – 20/1

Totesport – 18/1

Paddy Power – 16/1

Bet 365 – 16/1

William Hill – 14/1

Crazy Chris Is Craaazy!

This is it, what you are about to watch is the beginning of the end for the human race. Television has succeeded in it’s mission of dumbing people down to the intelligence level of an amoeba. Reality based programmes coupled with panel driven talent shows dominate the airwaves and we are all suffering as a result. Well, we are at least. Here’s some footage of the German equivalent of Britain’s Got Talent, (Das Supertalent 2010), featuring Chris ‘Crazy Chris’ Lynam from London who strips down naked on stage, places  a firework in his derriere and lights it, all because he can.

Look at Chris...he's craaaazy!

Look at Chris...he's craaazy!

The fact that this is barely an act in itself and more like something your drunken mate would do in his own front room after drinking too much industrial strength cider, isn’t what depresses us, it’s the way the whole piece is edited for TV. Jump cut after jump cut, slow-motion close ups of unknown celebrity judges open mouthed in disgust, repeated footage from different angles and over the top music all play in a vain attempt to crank up the tension, all for a naked mental case on stage with a lit firework in his hole. You know, Mike Judge was right.