In an article which will quite literally melt your brain, thanks to the arsebackwardness level of intelligence it took to compose, Fox News have out lined five valuable lessons they feel the Occupy Wall Street protesters could learn from the 50s sitcom I Love Lucy to help them find a job.

No! Don’t you dare put that bong down! You read that sentence correctly the first time.

Loosely tying in the theme of the show’s diamond anniversary with current political events, (nothing like keeping in touch with your demographic), Fox News contributor and homophobe Cal Thomas writes:

 Here are five lessons “Lucy” teaches all of us about how to find a job:

1) Have a sense of humor. Lucy didn’t take herself too seriously and you shouldn’t, either. 

2) Take a job, any job. Lucy stomped on grapes, she worked in a chocolate factory and even tried to act as the spokesperson for “Vitameatavegimin.”

3) Loyalty to something higher than yourself. Lucy was devoted to her husband and to her neighbors, the Mertzes

4) Live within your means. Lucy and Ricky were Middle Class in the ’50s. Their little one – bedroom apartment was perfectly adequate for their needs.

5) Though she never succeeded in show business (her character,that is) she never stopped trying. That’s a life lesson for the Wall Street protestors and every other American who seems to have forgotten that persistence, more than talent and education, wins the day.

Of course the hilarious irony is Lucy was a fictional character who was played by a filty rich Hollywood actress and…here comes the kicker Cal, hold onto your right-wing, neo-con britches…was also a registered Communist. Ouch!

We would like to imagine Cal away from his office and out of his news slacks, relaxing back at his family home with his lovely wife and 2.4 children. A cherry red Studebaker parked in his driveway, a bright, white picket fence along the edge of his freshly cut lawn…and the dismembered bodies of two unfortunate prostitutes, who went missing three months ago, stuffed into a garbage can beside his garage.

“He was such a lovely man, so quiet. A church goer and an avid fan of I love Lucy. The whole neighbourhood’s shocked!”

(Big thanks to Grahame over at Past The Pixels for the tip.)