jason statham

Avast! Trailer For Spy.

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Here’s the official trailer for Spy the new comedy starring Melissa McCarthy, Jude Law and Jason Statham. It’s a typical ‘fish out of water‘ espionage comedy plot with McCarthy in lead comedic role.

Spy, which is just the most imaginative title, rattles along like so:

Susan Cooper is an unassuming, deskbound CIA analyst, and the unsung hero behind the Agency’s most dangerous missions. But when her partner falls off the grid and another top agent is compromised, she volunteers to go deep undercover to infiltrate the world of a deadly arms dealer, and prevent a global disaster.

Spy is directed by Paul Feig the man who is taking over the Ghostbusters remake and judging from this trailer it’s probably a remake I shall leave well alone.

Avast! Teaser Trailer For The Expendables 2.

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This is less of a teaser trailer and more of a glorified cast list. So who’s left? Well for the third installment of this overblown, testosterone fuelled, fap fest they could draft in Steven Seagal, The Rock, Vin Diesel or how about The Chuckle Brothers? You’ll notice in the trailer that it announces every star’s surname and that ‘Hemsworth‘ pops up. Yeah, that’s not Chris Hemsworth the star of Thor, it’s his brother Liam, the star of…?

If the first film was anything to go buy the sequel will have about as much direction and plot as an eight year-old playing with his action figures in a sand pit.

After taking a seemingly simple job for Mr. Church (Bruce Willis) the Expendables find their plans going awry and one of their own is brutally murdered. The Expendables set out into hostile territory — with their new members Billy the Kid (Liam Hemsworth) and Maggie (Yu Nan) — to put a stop to a deadly weapon and gain their revenge against the villain who killed their brother.

See, we told you.

Avast! Trailer For Safe.

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Lor’ luv a duck! Get your fackin’ mince pies round this, it’s da Stath in a film called Safe. Bleedin ell?

He was just a man, a simple man with a very bland and nondescript fashion sense, waiting on a train minding his own business when she walked into his life…a 12 year-old girl.

The Stath is Luke Wright, (‘the big apple’s hardest cop, once upon a time’), who inadvertently saves a young girl from a group of cliched looking heavies, only to discover she has the memory banks of Stephen Hawking and knows some sort of code that all the bad guys want, including corrupt cops, but that’s not going to happen, cos the fackin’ Stath is on the case, his knuckles he will chafe to keep her safe from the strafe, because she looks like a waif.

Ere' av some of dis you fackin' nonce!

Avast! Trailer For The Ward.

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"I can't be sure, but it does look like my career"

Carpenter is back bitches! It’s been way too long since cult film director John Carpenter, he of Halloween, The Thing and Escape From New York fame, graced us with his cinematic presence. The 62 year-old has done next to nothing since 2001 when his glorious sci-fi failure Ghosts Of Mars, starring Jason ‘wot you fackin’ starin’ at?’ Statham, bombed at the box office. But now he’s back with a new film called The Ward and judging by the trailer it looks…well…it looks like a steaming bag of shit! Maybe it’s the way the trailer has been edited together but it reeks of 80s straight -to-video slasher flick and has disappointed the entire crew here. First Postlethwaite then Rafferty and now this?! F@ck you 2011.

You may of course disagree with our assumptions.